"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Blatant ripoff

Much to my chagrin, the creative drought continues over here at Chez Toast. So until I can come up with some decent original material, I am reduced to ripping off other people's blog entries and reposting them. That's right, I have no shame, people.

Today's unwilling victim of my plagiarism has long been one of my favorite reads, The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas, from whom I steal the following brilliant summation of the latest episode in the Terminator series, Terminator Salvation (due for release on May 21st), as well as the entire T-franchise:
The studio is marketing it as a sequel AND a prequel, but really it's just the simple tale of a boy named John Connor who grows up, goes back in time, grows old, tells his younger self to send his best friend back in time so he can be his father, sends a terminator back in time to protect himself, forgets to warn the terminator that he went back in time, sends his mother back in time to lecture herself about her cheesy wardrobe, and then goes back in time again to remind himself where he left his favorite Clay Aiken album all those years ago.

Then, he sends his younger self back in time to send his even younger self forward in time to obtain DNA to clone himself and start the whole process over again. It's really a very simple story.

Of course, one more of these Terminator sequel/prequels and I'll be looking for a way to send myself back in time to warn James Cameron to change the script to have the kid's mom snuff it in the first film. That'll save each of us about fifty dollars.
The movie stars Christian Bale, who recently made big news by going apeshit with a profane tirade aimed at his director of photography for accidentally wandering onto the T4 set. Check out this parody of the incident starring Stephen Colbert and some obscure comedian whose name escapes me. Funny stuff.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Piece of my heart

Anyone who's been here for a while knows that I'm not exactly a big fan of Valentine's Day. I think it's crass commercialism to set aside one day to commemorate love, romance, and relationships -- something which should be done every day of the year. Instead of pleasantly surprising someone you care about, the day creates a gifting expectation, implying that you don't really love your partner unless you give them a card, flowers, candy, a cute stuffed animal, or something similar. Worse, Valentine's Day makes many single people feel abnormal, lonely, and ostracized if they don't (or choose not to) have a "valentine" in their life.

Therefore, I was amused to recently find this song while doing a Google search on the holiday:

I Hate Valentine's Day
by Jewel

Valentine's Day
Wish I had a sweetheart
It's Valentine's Day
Didn't even get a stinkin' card
It's Valentine's Day
I just have to say
I hate Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day
And I didn't get no chocolate
It's Valentine's Day
If I had a heart I'd hock it
It's Valentine's Day
All I have to say
I hate Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day
And I hope it finds you healthy
It's Valentine's Day
I'm glad your stinkin' girlfriend's wealthy
It's Valentine's Day
I just love to say
I hate fuckin' Valentine's Day

Awwww...isn't that sweet?

Anyway, for this particular Valentine's Day, Mrs. Toast and I have chosen to compromise. Since we've been married for (mumble mumble)-something years, we're no longer exactly heavy-breathing romantics, but we do like to at least acknowledge our relationship. So we've decided to share a heart-shaped pizza from our local Papa Murphy's (which, BTW, I think the Janis Joplin song would make a perfect advertisement for) tonight for dinner, and then snug in at home with a movie on DVD.

You know you've got it, if it makes you feel good.