I guess this makes it official

Good times, Texas-style

Last week was "Fat Tuesday", the traditional day before Ash Wednesday when Mardi Gras is celebrated in many places around the world. And how does Sutherland's Hardware apparently believe we observe the day down here in Texas?


Why, with hogs and high-tensile barb wire, of course! Laissez les bon temps rouler!!

Blatant ripoff

Much to my chagrin, the creative drought continues over here at Chez Toast. So until I can come up with some decent original material, I am reduced to ripping off other people's blog entries and reposting them. That's right, I have no shame, people.

Today's unwilling victim of my plagiarism has long been one of my favorite reads, The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas, from whom I steal the following brilliant summation of the latest episode in the Terminator series, Terminator Salvation (due for release on May 21st), as well as the entire T-franchise:

The studio is marketing it as a sequel AND a prequel, but really it's just the simple tale of a boy named John Connor who grows up, goes back in time, grows old, tells his younger self to send his best friend back in time so he can be his father, sends a terminator back in time to protect himself, forgets to warn the terminator that he went back in time, sends his mother back in time to lecture herself about her cheesy wardrobe, and then goes back in time again to remind himself where he left his favorite Clay Aiken album all those years ago.

Then, he sends his younger self back in time to send his even younger self forward in time to obtain DNA to clone himself and start the whole process over again. It's really a very simple story.

Of course, one more of these Terminator sequel/prequels and I'll be looking for a way to send myself back in time to warn James Cameron to change the script to have the kid's mom snuff it in the first film. That'll save each of us about fifty dollars.

The movie stars Christian Bale, who recently made big news by going apeshit with a profane tirade aimed at his director of photography for accidentally wandering onto the T4 set. Check out this parody of the incident starring Stephen Colbert and some obscure comedian whose name escapes me. Funny stuff.

Piece of my heart

Anyone who's been here for a while knows that I'm not exactly a big fan of Valentine's Day. I think it's crass commercialism to set aside one day to commemorate love, romance, and relationships -- something which should be done every day of the year. Instead of pleasantly surprising someone you care about, the day creates a gifting expectation, implying that you don't really love your partner unless you give them a card, flowers, candy, a cute stuffed animal, or something similar. Worse, Valentine's Day makes many single people feel abnormal, lonely, and ostracized if they don't (or choose not to) have a "valentine" in their life.

Therefore, I was amused to recently find this song while doing a Google search on the holiday:

I Hate Valentine's Day
by Jewel

Valentine's Day
Wish I had a sweetheart
It's Valentine's Day
Didn't even get a stinkin' card
It's Valentine's Day
I just have to say
I hate Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day
And I didn't get no chocolate
It's Valentine's Day
If I had a heart I'd hock it
It's Valentine's Day
All I have to say
I hate Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day
And I hope it finds you healthy
It's Valentine's Day
I'm glad your stinkin' girlfriend's wealthy
It's Valentine's Day
I just love to say
I hate fuckin' Valentine's Day

Awwww...isn't that sweet?

Anyway, for this particular Valentine's Day, Mrs. Toast and I have chosen to compromise. Since we've been married for (mumble mumble)-something years, we're no longer exactly heavy-breathing romantics, but we do like to at least acknowledge our relationship. So we've decided to share a heart-shaped pizza from our local Papa Murphy's (which, BTW, I think the Janis Joplin song would make a perfect advertisement for) tonight for dinner, and then snug in at home with a movie on DVD.

You know you've got it, if it makes you feel good.

The end of an error

It's the dawning of a new day, and as I watch today's historic events with awe I want to say not just "God bless America" but "God bless planet Earth." I feel cautiously optimistic that after the blunders and hubris of the past eight years, this nation is finally about to step forward as a global partner to begin finding solutions to some of the many problems that we all face together.

Yes, we can.

Shattered illusions

One of the reasons we moved to this small town from the Big City was because we were sick of crime. Our apartment in Houston was broken into twice, and the second time the mofo's got thousands of dollars worth of electronics and recording equipment, including my cherished vintage Gibson Les Paul sunburst guitar. It was irreplaceable, and I literally cried for weeks after it was stolen.

But for nearly the last twenty years now, we've lived in a community where everyone respects their neighbor's property, where you can go out during the day leaving your doors and windows unlocked, secure in the knowledge that no low-life scumbag is going to enter your home and take your shit.

Or so we thought, until yesterday.

I frequently nap during the day; with no fixed work schedule since I've been disabled, my sleeping/waking hours tend to get totally out of whack at times, and I often stay up until 4 or 5 AM, grabbing a few zz's during the afternoon to compensate before Mrs. Toast comes home about 5 PM. So I was deep in dreamland about 2 or 3-ish yesterday afternoon when I was jarred only semi-awake by the ring of the front doorbell. Since I was expecting a UPS delivery, I assumed they would just leave the package on the front porch like they usually did, and drifted back to sleep.

When I got up about an hour later and walked into the living room, I was quite surprised to notice that one of our front windows was wide open without the usual screen in place, and all three cats were missing. Since we never let them go outdoors, this freaked me out and my first priority was to find them and get them back inside. Fortunately, they had not wandered far and I was able to gather them up fairly quickly. The next thing was to try and figure out how the window got open. That's when I noticed my wallet (which had been on the kitchen table) was gone, along with my mp3 player and a couple of other small items.

I wish I could describe the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized that someone, apparently thinking that the unanswered doorbell indicated that no one was home, had entered my house while I was sleeping, grabbed a few items, perhaps even looked in on me in the bedroom to realize there was someone there after all, then quickly got the hell out. This probably explains why more stuff was not taken, including this very laptop I am now typing on (which, sitting in plain sight, would have been a major catastrophe), as well as our stereo system and new TV. Indeed, the police officer who took the burglary report said I should consider myself lucky, as if I had happened to come out and confront the perp(s) in the act, I could have gotten hurt, or worse. As it was, I only lost a modest amount of cash and will have the hassle of having to cancel all my credit cards, get new drivers license and medical insurance cards, etc. Things could have been much worse.

But the purpose of this post is not so much to bitch and moan, but rather to attempt to make lemonade out of lemons. So lest you think it couldn't happen to you, as I did, let me pass on a few tips (learned the hard way!) that may save you some grief later on down the line:

1. Make photocopies of every credit card or whatever else you carry in your wallet or purse, or digital pictures of them, or at the very least write down the card numbers along with the customer service contacts for each. First of all, if something happens, you will know exactly what was lost. Also, the police will want to include in their report the full 16-digit numbers of any cards that were taken, and most statements these days (whether online or paper) include only the last four digits of your card numbers for security. I found it can take a crowbar to pry your own full credit card number from customer service. With Discover, it wasn't until a 2nd-level supervisor had me put the police officer on the phone that she would divulge the numbers. Keep these paper copies in a safe place, and keep them updated regularly as your cards expire and are replaced.

2. Inventory your home electronics and other valuables. Take a picture (and record the make, model and serial number) of every TV set, radio, stereo, portable mp3 player, camera, and everything else you own. Again, knowing exactly what you have can be invaluable if any of it is lost. If you have homeowners insurance, most companies will not process a claim without detailed information about the item, including serial numbers.

3. Password-protect your computer, both with a Windows logon password, and also individually encrypt any particularly private data you may have on your hard drive. It may seem like a hassle to enter your password every time you start up, but you will be glad you did if your laptop should fall into the wrong hands. If you want to go the extra mile, consider using tracking software that silently "phones home" via the internet to a monitoring service if the user doesn't enter a secret keystroke combination within a minute or so after booting up. While this is a bit extreme for most people, it can pinpoint the location of a stolen laptop and might be worthwhile if you travel a lot or have really sensitive data on your machine.

4. Use a master-password program that keeps all your logon information for various websites you use in a protected database. You might want to keep this file on a removable USB thumb drive for added security. This is particularly important if you use internet banking, pay bills online, or use other web-based financial services. Then, you only have to enter one single password (which should be second nature to you so you won't forget it, yet difficult for any stranger to guess, and never, never written down anywhere) to access all of your private information. It goes without saying that you should also have a full, current backup of your computer hard drive. Many people fail to do this because it's a task that's, quite frankly, a pain in the ass. But it's cheap insurance and can save you days or weeks of frustration, not just in the event your computer is lost or stolen, but in case of hardware failure (like a drive crash) as well.

5. Consider some sort of basic intrusion alarm for your home. High-end, monitored systems are not cheap, but the peace of mind can be worth it. Some advanced systems have stealth cameras that record any suspicious activity inside or outside your home. Not everyone needs this level of protection, and good quality unmonitored do-it-yourself alarms with wireless door and window switches and infrared motion sensors can be had for around $200-250. (We're getting one of these soon.) At the very least, consider a motion detector that reacts with the sound of a barking dog. These devices scan through walls and doors and will sound off if someone gets within about 20 feet of them. The police officer told me that these are crude but fairly effective, as thieves are generally spooked by any kind of dog, and won't stick around long enough to determine if the barking is real or fake. Of course, if you already have a real dog, so much the better ... but robo-dogs don't require feeding, walking, or poop-scooping.

Needless to say I am very freaked out by this, on several levels. For one thing, I am angry at myself for my naivety, thinking that this could never happen to me. It happens to everyone, everywhere at some time or another, and not being prepared or at least aware of the danger, is simply foolish. There will be no more leaving windows open or doors unlocked here, which is something I never thought twice about before just laying down for a siesta. Of course I'm also mad as hell at whoever did this, but I'm also getting chills at the thought that some creep was skulking around my living room while I was sleeping just a few feet away. The peace of mind I used to have, that comfortable feeling of being safe and secure in my own home, has been severely battered and may take some time to recover.

Come to the dark side, we have cookies

Hope everyone had a great holiday and that 2009 has gotten off to a good start for you. Here in Toasterville, our main source of excitement and entertainment has been to watch a lot of movies recently, some of them on the new TV set that Santa left under our tree. The beginning of the new year traditionally is a favorite time for pessimists to come out of the woodwork predicting the end of the world, and our movie choices this week have to some degree reflected that. How would you like your cataclysm served up? If you think the end will come in the form of an environmental catastrophe, we've seen "An Inconvenient Truth", and "The Happening" (OMG, watch out! Killer trees!), while fans of the ever-popular alien invasion scenario might prefer 1996's "Independence Day", or perhaps even the tepid new remake of the 1951 classic "The Day The Earth Stood Still", starring Keanu Reeves as an interstellar harbinger of global destruction who looks, speaks, and acts curiously like Neo from The Matrix.

The new year is also sparking major awareness and interest in the prophesies of Nostradamus and the ancient Mayans, whose Mesoamerican Long Count Calendar seems to suggest that doomsday will arrive on a very specific date. According to many, the end of life as we know it will occur on December 21, 2012. These theorists believe that the Earth will experience unprecedented disasters ranging from massive earthquakes and tsunamis to nuclear reactor meltdowns. Of course, people have been aware of these predictions for some time now, but as we turn one calendar year closer to the actual date, the hype is really beginning to take off. Go to the official website, add your name to the "Believers List" and get your End Of The World T-Shirt! Or, you might be interested in this book which includes handy checklists of survival supplies you might need. (Tip: don't forget batteries.) For those who like their gloom and doom in nice, easy to digest hour-long bite-size chunks, The History Channel's Armageddon Week not only presents a special about 2012 under the banner of "Hindsight is 20/20; foresight is 2012", but also throws in The Seven Deadly Sins for good measure.

The fact that world events have been somewhat dire of late is no doubt contributing to the ominous tone. The environment continues to deteriorate; we face global warming and other natural disasters like hurricanes and earthquakes, the economic crisis is showing no signs of letting up, and the recent escalation of tensions in the Middle East plays directly to the fears of conservative religious types who believe that the region will be Ground Zero for the coming End Times.

But I'm not going to worry about any of that now, because ... we have a new TV set! Woo-hoo! Happy New Year, people!

Coasting through the holidays

I would like to thank those of you who have recently inquired about my well-being, both by email and in the comments. I am, indeed, still here and doing OK, although one would be justifiably hard-pressed to make that determination based on my lack of posting lately. I've had creative droughts before, but this one appears to be a humdinger. It's no doubt the double-whammy of my typical "holiday blues" which has dogged me most of my life, combined with the simple fact that things around here have been utterly boring and un-blogworthy for the last month or two.

During times like these, I recall when I was 22 years old and freshly out of college. I had only a vague idea of what to do with my life at that point; I knew I wanted to be in the entertainment business -- radio, TV, music, or some other kind of media -- but at the time two words that would have best described my attitude were "apathetic" and "clueless". On an extended visit to see my older sister in New York City, her husband Norman, who was then a well-respected Broadway producer with little sympathy for those with the ability but not the motivation to give their best performance, sat me down at the kitchen table for a lecture which included these words of wisdom I will remember for the rest of my life:

"Mr. Toast, it's time to get your ass in gear," he thundered. OK, he used my real name, but you get the idea.

Ever since then, when I feel like I am stalling out I remember Norman's exasperation. Having dealt with creative yet finicky people every single day, he knew I had more fire in the belly if I would just get up off my lazy ass and apply myself. He was right, and I do.

Just not this week.

So, since we appear to be on cruise control until my ass gets back in gear, let me do what any other creative type does when they're out of new material: recycle my old shit.

Mr. Toast's Mail-Order Holiday Catalog Selection

Mr. Toast's Holiday Gift Guide Part 1

Mr. Toast's Holiday Gift Guide Part 2

Hopefully the unbridled hilarity of these posts will tide you over until I can come up with something original after I'm feeling more enthusiastic and spontaneous. And that will be soon, I promise.

Because any day above ground is a good day.

On giving thanks

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and I'd like to write something poignant and profound about how thankful I am to still be alive, considering that five years ago after being told I had a terminal lung illness, I would not have given you good odds on the possibility of my being here to write this today. Or how I'm thankful (and quite amazed!) that after a long and divisive election process, we're witnessing a transition of power practically unheard of in the history of American politics: the president and president-elect acting like co-presidents, consulting and cooperating on the day's biggest crises, that gives me great hope for the future of our country. Or how I'm thankful for all my online friends here, and how I wish y'all a wonderful weekend with your families and loved ones.

But I'm having a hard time latching onto the Thanksgiving holiday in a meaningful way that doesn't sound clichéd, so instead let me submit a guest commentary from someone who uses words much better than I do: Leonard Pitts, Jr. of The Miami Herald.

Because it's not just about turkey, apple pie and football. Happy Thanksgiving, folks.

###

I was crammed into a middle seat. The guy in front was practically in my lap, and I had my arms drawn in tightly as I pecked furiously on the keyboard. God glanced over. "What are you working on?" He asked.

"A column," I said. "About you, in fact."

He lifted an eyebrow. "Oh? What did I do now?"

"Well, not you per se," I admitted. "It's about this atheist group, the American Humanist Association. They stirred up folks in Washington, D.C., recently by running a billboard on the buses. It said, 'Why believe in a god?'"

God was curious, so I passed Him the computer. Just then, the plane lurched violently. The guy next to me spilled his drink and muttered a curse. God paid no attention. When He finished reading, He passed the computer back. "That's not about me," He said. "It's about defending their right to free speech."

"Sure," I said. "What else would I do?"

God shrugged. "Why not just answer their question?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well you know," He said, "you've got that Thanksgiving holiday coming. Might be appropriate to remind people of whom they're thankful to."

I considered it. "That could be a good idea," I said.

He gave me a look. "OK, OK," I said, "all your ideas are good. But you know, proving you exist is a heavy-duty philosophical chore. I suppose I could go with the complexity-of-life argument, talk about how if people see something as unremarkable as a cardboard box they assume it had a maker, but if they see something as intricately designed as a person -- or heck, an amoeba -- some folks say, Oh, it just...happened."

God was unimpressed. "I don't need you to prove I exist," He said. "I am the great I am, remember? Besides, that billboard doesn't ask for proof of my existence. It asks, why believe? Isn't that a fair question?" He gave me an expectant look.

I looked past Him, out the window. We floated above a deck of clouds, the sun falling toward the horizon, the whole world the color of gold. It was like poetry in midair. I said, "I believe because I've seen you. And because I've heard you."

The plane jolted again. Two rows behind, a baby started shrieking, hitting notes I'd have sworn were impossible for a human larynx. The man ahead of me shifted heavily in his seat. My tray table pressed hard against my stomach.

God gave a smile that I couldn't read.

"It's not all poetry in the sky," He said. "Where you see poetry, somebody else sees only a flaming ball of gas circling the earth, light refracted through crystals of ice and pollution in the air. Where you see eternity, someone else sees an ocean. Where you hear my voice, someone else hears thunder."

"What are you getting at?" I asked.

"What do you see then?" He said. "What do you hear when no one else sees or hears? When you walk in places where no one knows your name? When you curse the brokenness of your own life? When flood and famine strike the wretched and the vulnerable? When the diagnosis is cancer? Do you see me then? Do you hear me then?"

It took me a moment. "Sometimes," I said finally. "Not always." I thought about it a second, then added: "But I'm always trying."

"Why?" asked God.

I looked past Him. The sun seemed to be sinking into the clouds. The sky was growing dark. "Because nothing else makes sense to me," I said.

God smiled.

The captain announced that we were about to land. We were asked to shut down and stow our electrical equipment. The guy in front returned his seat to its full upright and locked position. The baby kept squalling. Moments later, the plane touched the tarmac. It had been an awful flight, and I was glad to be home.

"Thank God," I whispered.

"You're welcome," He said.

Musings of an entry-level life form

I've always enjoyed watching Boston Legal, for many reasons; the characters (especially William Shatner as Denny Crane) are quirky and memorable, I love seeing the exterior shots of the Boston area where I grew up, and the writing is in-fucking-credible. David E. Kelly loves to rip story lines right from the headlines, and isn't afraid to skewer the likes of Big Tobacco or the pharmaceutical industry, or take on other ethical challenges like assisted suicide or neglect of military veterans -- all in a very "theater of the absurd" sort of way.

I also like that the show often espouses an unapologetically liberal point of view, and this week's episode was a classic: it featured former Saturday Night Live star Cheri Oteri as a woman fired by her boss for voting for John McCain -- not, as her boss claimed, due to her political views, but because this fact demonstrated that she was an idiot and therefore too stupid to work for him. (As you might imagine, this plot has rankled the living shit out of the right, which only makes me enjoy it more.)

In his presentation to the judge, James Spader as attorney Alan Shore makes the following argument (emphasis added):

The unassailable right to vote is the core principle of any democracy. And people have the right to cast their ballot for whomever they want– for good reasons or for bad reasons or for no reason at all. Let’s face it, your honor, we as a nation are horribly uninformed when it comes to politics ... today our news programs consist solely of sensational headlines and sound bites. People forgo newspapers for the internet, where instead of relying on credentialed journalists, they turn to these bloggers – sort of entry-level life-forms that intellectually have yet to emerge from the primordial ooze. This is how we’ve gotten the elected officials we’ve gotten.

Well.

I think I ... er ... kinda like that.

As you may know, this is the show's fifth and last season, and in fact production on the big two-hour finale was just completed last week, followed by a bittersweet wrap party Saturday night at LA's Cicada Restaurant. (Oh, to have been a fly on that wall.) I'll miss the show, but just like my other favorite legal drama "Law And Order", I'm sure it will be around in reruns for quite a while still. Let me close with a tribute to some of the show's best moments, set to a Matchbox Twenty soundtrack.

Then I'm going to go have a cigar and a scotch on the patio, and climb back into the primordial ooze.

PS: If anyone's keeping score, this entry is the 500th post since I began the blog just over three years ago. Yay me!