"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Monday, October 02, 2006

Bubba takes a writing class

Today's exercise: write a letter of complaint about a product or service you are dissatisfied with. Clearly explain the problem, how it has affected you, and how you would like for the matter to be resolved.

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Dear Proctar and Gumbel:

I am writing to complain about your use of forren languages on products sold in stores here in the United States of America. I recently bought a 20-pack of toilet paper at Wal-Mart, and when I got it home I discovered that the labels and instructions for use of the product were printed in Spanish! According to the package, it contained "rollos gigantes", and is "seguro para su drenaje o sistema septico"! What the hell is that suppose to mean? I am mad!

The last time I checked (which was about fifteen minutes ago, give or take) the Official Language of America was American. This is what God intended when he formed this country in 1776! You can bet there were not people in this country talking in no forren languages before the Pilgrims landed on Dodge or was it Chrysler Rock in 1492 speaking American English, no siree! People who come here from forren countrys such as New Mexico need to learn to speak the official language of the land, and you are only making it easier on them. Why should they have to learn to speak American when they can buy a product that says "se ajusta a casi todos los sostenedores de rollo regulares"? I don't even know what the hell that means! I am really mad now!

It's companys like you that are responsible for terrorist acts such as 9/11. I'll bet you didn't print instructions how to use toilet paper in Arabic, did you? Hell no. And look what happened. I wouldn't be surprised if the next act of terror on English-speaking Americans is planned, directed, and carried out in Spanish, which you have made easier with your products. Americans have been wiping their butts in English for centuries, and now you're ruining everything this great country stands for by allowing these Spanish Butt Wipers to take over our culture. I am outraged!!

Maybe if you was selling these products in forren countries (like France for example), I can see how it would make sense to have labels printed in Spanish. But No! This is the Good Old U. S. of A. and Lady Liberty didn't die during the Civil War of 1812 just to see some product advertise that it will "ayudar a cuidar su piel gentilmente", whatever the hell that means. I'll bet The Unknown Soldier will be rolling over in his Tomb under The White House when he hears about this!

I am one plenty outraged customer, let me tell you, and the only way you will make me happy is if you send me free toilet paper for the rest of my life. I use about two rolls a day cuz I'm a big healthy American Boy, if you catch my drift, so I need to see a few cartons of your product start arriving on the deck of my double-wide pretty damn soon.

Thank you very much, or should I say "grassy-ass"?

Yours truly,
-Bubba Smif
El Paso, TX


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Tomorrow's writing exercise: compose a letter of apology to the many ethnic groups you have offended with today's assignment.

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