"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Random foolishness

Herewith I present a collection of stray bits of flotsam and jetsam gathered from the Internet, and compiled for your enjoyment -- which proves (yet once again) that I have way too much time on my hands:

1. A few weeks ago I was cable-channel-surfing and happened upon a favorite classic movie, Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. Even though I've seen it a gazillion times, I still enjoy watching Jack Nicholson's character descend into madness. It's some supa-fine acting -- perhaps his signature role -- and I didn't mind sitting through it again. But by the same token, the film completely freaks out Mrs. Toast (especially the "Here's Johnny" scene) who must leave the room if it's on. So, imagine my delight the other day when I found something we can both watch together: The Shining, in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies. Yep. See it here.

2. Speaking of actors, do you know of the Cult of Chuck Norris? Hell, we don't need no stinkin' U.S. Army to kick Iraqi butt! Just send in Chuck -- alone -- and he'll own them goldurn terrorizin' Islamo-Fascists. A few samples of little-known Chuck-factoids: There is no skin behind Chuck Norris's beard, only another fist. Chuck Norris does not sleep - he waits. The three leading causes of death worldwide are (a) Heart Disease (b) Chuck Norris (c) Cancer. If you find any of this amusing, there's more here.

3. How long would it take you to drive from L.A. to New York City? Could you do it in, oh, I dunno, four minutes? This guy did. Fascinating.

4. Let's say you're a computer genius who can install a complete Windows networking infrastructure with one hand while you flash a BIOS and format a hard drive with the other, using the keyboard with your toes to compile C+++ at the same time. People who don't know RAM from a CD-ROM are always begging you to come to their homes and help them with their computers, but you don't want to do it for free and you don't really need the money. What you really want is to make it with hot chicks. Yeah, you'd totally fix computers for sex, 'cuz you're the hunky tech-support man-whore known as The IT Gigolo.

5. Speaking of sex, I must have died and gone to heaven because the object of my unrequited lust, Maria Sharapova, is one of the 2006 models in the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Yeah baby! I will do my best to refrain from any smart-ass double entendres incorporating tennis terms, such as "grand slam", "backhand", "forty-love", "mixed doubles", "top stroke", "seed", or "sweet spot". (Eh, too late.)

6. Also speaking of sex (are you noticing a theme here?) don't be surprised if the next time you're in a public place, someone nearby suddenly reaches into their pants and whips it out. Er, their cell phone, that is. Porn-to-go, euphoniously (pun intended) termed "mobile adult content" by the industry, is the Next Big Thing for those small cellular screens. If you're intrigued by the idea of your cell phone turning you on instead of the other way around, have a look at this article.

7. And finally, this oldie-but-goodie from 2002 is still a good chuckle for those that may not have seen it -- and it's now even more relevant due to the recent "Dead-Eye Dick" Cheney Shootout at the Armstrong Corral. Let's suppose for a moment that, God forbid, George W. Bush were to strangle his lovely wife Laura. How would the incident be reported by the mainstream media? Find out in Whacking Pickles. ("Pickles", for anyone who may not know, is Dubya's adorably cute li'l ol' nickname for the First Lady. Awwwww. It beats "Turd Blossom", I guess.)


Well there you have it, folks, another rousing edition of Mr. Toast's Wacky Web Wanderings™. Look for this to become a semi-regular feature of this blog, as my inbox periodically overflows with strange crap that I don't know what else to do with.

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