He hath spoken, and he ith pithed

So I'm driving back home from lunch yesterday past the First Baptist Church, and almost swerve off the road when I see this sign out front:

Whoa. This is getting a little personal. OK, it's a joke - you can make your own church sign here - but for obvious reasons I've been thinking about the hereafter lately, and it's been disconcertingly inconclusive. I think I've lived a good life: I'm kind to little old ladies and stray animals, I'm honest, and I've never killed anyone. But sometimes I can't help but feel like I've still been a little too ... you know ... evil. I've had a couple of relationships that ended badly due to my own selfishness, and had my share of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. Although that was a very long time ago, even now I occasionally take guilty pleasure in TV shows and movies featuring scantily-clad women and things that Blow Up Real Good (in addition to more sophisticated fare, of course).

The consequences of this occurred to me the other day as I was reading a report from the Kaiser Family Foundation, in which they found that television shows that include some form of sexual content are increasing. The number of scenes involving sex has nearly doubled since 1998, the study said, from 1,930 to 3,783. Predictably, the wingnuts on the right are frothing at the mouth over this. The Taste Police at the Parent's Television Council regularly rail about this sort of thing; this particular organization is responsible for a whopping 97% of all complaints to the FCC regarding "indecency" on TV, and were the driving force behind the over-hyped over-reaction to Janet Jackson's Super Bowl "wardrdobe malfunction". Shows like "Nip/Tuck" and "The O.C." give them hissy fits. But even moderates like Democratic up-and-comer Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois said he shares the concern of many parents about what their kids are exposed to on television.

"We don't teach our children that healthy relationships involve drunken, naked parties in a hot tub with strangers -- but that's what they see when they turn on The Real World," Obama said, citing a show on MTV.

Excuse me, but isn't that why it's called "The Real World"? People actually do such things. I understand concerns about children, but this is where "Parental Responsibility" comes into the picture. The viewer still has the ultimate tool to decide what is and isn't seen in their own home, and it's called the remote control. It has an "off" button.

I personally find nothing whatsoever wrong with the hot tub scenario above. In fact, it sounds like a lot of fun. This is why I'm going to hell.

So even though I'm not Catholic, I figured I'd visit the Online Confessional just to be safe, but this only served to worry me even more. There's a convenient drop-down menu of sins you can choose to confess to, including the Ten Commandments, the ever-popular Seven Deadly Sins, as well as Internal, Physical, and General sins. I seem to have enough transgressions under "general sins" alone to guarantee eternal damnation. When my number's up, I'll be sure and send a postcard. Although if Satan is as devious and clever as they say, Hell has wireless internet access (talk about your Hot Spot!) and I can just continue my blog from there.