"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Fake News Headlines


Calls Invasion of Privacy ‘The Gift That Keeps On Giving’

In a special pre-holiday address to the American people, President George W. Bush today said that the upcoming holiday season affords all Americans a unique opportunity to spy on their neighbors, and urged his fellow citizens to do so.

“My fellow Americans, over the holidays many of you will be receiving new camcorders as gifts,” President Bush told his national television audience. “Instead of making boring home movies of your children, point the camera at the house next door and see what your neighbors are up to.”

Saying that the people next door “might be evildoers,” Mr. Bush said that by spying on one’s neighbors, “You’re going to find out who’s naughty or nice.”

Coming just days after he defended his own practice of wiretapping phone conversations without a court warrant, Mr. Bush’s exhortation to the American people to snoop on one another over the holidays was the latest indication that he intends to ramp up domestic spying in the new year.

“Invasion of privacy is the gift that keeps on giving,” the president said.

Perhaps in an attempt to preempt criticism of his domestic spying program, Mr. Bush added that he was “more than willing” to let the government spy on him.

“Go ahead, get a list of every library book I’ve taken out in the last five years,” he said. “You won’t find anything.”


Pentagon Renames Iraq Conflict ‘Operation Infinite Expense’

Just hours after the Pentagon estimated the cost of the war in Iraq at half a trillion dollars, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld revised that figure slightly upward, restating the cost of the war as one zillion dollars.

“In turns out that the half trillion figure left out some important budget items, and one zillion is actually a lot closer to the mark,” Secretary Rumsfeld told reporters. “My bad.”

To reflect the new, higher cost of the war, the Pentagon today officially renamed the conflict “Operation Infinite Expense.”

When asked to explain the upward revision, the defense secretary said that the half-trillion figure was based on projections of the war in Iraq lasting five to ten years, while the zillion dollar figure reflects the most up-to-date estimate of the war’s duration, which he characterized as “forever and ever.”

“Based on what we’re seeing on the ground in Iraq, the war will probably last longer than Vietnam but not quite as long as Cher’s Farewell Tour.”

Secretary Rumsfeld defended the new price tag for the war in Iraq, explaining, “When you keep in mind that this war is never going to end, and it will be around for our children and our children’s children, a zillion dollars is a bargain by any yardstick.”

At the White House, President Bush acknowledged that the zillion-dollar price tag was higher than he had originally anticipated, but added, “Freedom isn’t free – in fact, it costs one zillion dollars.”

Source: The Borowitz Report


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