"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Joy To The World!

Yes, once again it's that special, exciting time of year when people celebrate the "season to be jolly" by floating around their yards in invisible boats, breaking into strangers' homes to rearrange the furniture, and threatening to knock each other's teeth out. The following are actual excerpts from this week's "Police Report" section of our local newspaper:

• Terroristic threat: A woman reported that she was confronted by the wife of the man she is dating. The wife displayed a jack handle, and threatened to harm her, the report said. The woman wishes to file charges.

• Assault: A man said that he was assaulted at his home by another man who was visiting his girlfriend. The man who filed the complaint suffered minor injuries. The suspect fled the scene. A warrant was requested.

• Harassment: A woman said that her "former lover" was calling and harassing her. According to the report, the "former lover" said he would knock the woman's teeth out. A warrant was requested.

• Criminal trespass: A man reported that while he was away on business, his neighbor's children built a fort on his property. The children built the fort with materials they found on his property. The man did not file charges.

• Unauthorized use of a motor vehicle: A woman reported that her car was missing, and she thinks her neighbors may have been involved.

• Credit card abuse: A woman reported that a credit card that is in her husband's name was used by her daughter-in-law to make purchases without their consent.

• Disturbance: A boy reported that his parents were in the living room fighting. The mother asked the father to leave, but he would not.

• Aggravated assault: A man walking to work said he was stabbed by two men who confronted him about the color of his clothing. The man walked to the hospital where he was treated for the stab wound.

• Family violence: A man and a woman threw food at each other at a restaurant during an argument.

• Interference with an emergency call: A man and a woman accused each other of assault and of disconnecting the phone whenever either tried to call the police.

• Assault/family violence: A woman said she was assaulted by her boyfriend on two separate days. According to the report, the woman said the man became upset because she would not "cater to his needs." The woman had multiple bruises and swelling on her face, and she said he also slammed her finger in a door. A warrant was requested for the man.

• Suspicious activity: A woman reported that someone turned the water on in her yard and was floating around in a boat. A deputy checked the yard, but no boat was found.

• Disturbance: Two brothers got into a verbal argument over a beer. The brothers were separated and sent home to sober up. No arrests were made.

• Criminal trespass: Someone reported to police that an unknown person had entered the complainant's house and rearranged the furniture. No items were stolen.

This final item is my hands-down favorite, displaying a curiously detailed narrative rarely seen in your typical police report. I swear I am not making this up, this is exactly how it appeared in the paper:

• Officers were dispatched to a residence where it was claimed a gun had been recovered. Upon their arrival, the deputies met with complainant Mr. H, who stated that a Mr. L had come to his residence and dropped off a shotgun. Deputies recovered the weapon and proceeded to Mr. L.'s residence. Upon their arrival, Mr. L. exited his residence with his hands above his head yelling, "Don't shoot, I am unarmed." Mr. L. advised he had been at Mr. H's residence earlier in the evening, when Mr. H had become angry after having a bipolar mood swing. Deputy was then told that Mr. H. picked up a stick and began to swing at Mr. L., but Mr. L. also brandished a stick and they then began exchanging blows with one another in a mock sword fight like Sir Galahad and the Black Knight. Mr. H. then advanced his bipolar mood swing up a notch and went inside his residence and returned with a shotgun at which point Mr. L, using his quick and cunning cat-like skills, was able to wrestle the weapon away from Mr. H and proceed in a hurried retreat away from the residence down State Highway 7 like a ghost in the night. Mr. L ran or rather unsteadily stumbled to his 3rd, 4th or possibly 5th cousin's residence (the complainant) and deposited the weapon on their back porch, gave a quick synopsis of the evening's adventures and then departed like a thief in the night once again before law enforcement could be summoned. The officers, who realized that no major offense had been committed this evening during one of Mr. L.'s many life adventures, telephoned the poor mother of Mr. H and explained that Mr. H could retrieve his weapon the next morning at the Sheriff's Office, once the odor of alcohol had ceased to emanate from his body. The case is closed.

Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men!


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