Silly name time

Let's take a break from the serious stuff -- the high literature, political intrigue, and medical drama of recent blog posts -- and plunge into some good old-fashioned foolishness. Think of this as a 10-minute mental recess.

Dav Pilkey -- yes, that's "Dave" with no "e" -- is an author of children's books. He also has a web site called When Hamsters Attack ("America's #1 Website For Hamster Attack Prevention"). He is a strange but funny man who probably has a case of arrested development, although this is not necessarily a bad thing when you're writing books for kids. His self-proclaimed "fourth epic novel" is entitled "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants". Even though it may sound scatological, it's the story of one Professor Pippy P. Poopypants, who "may be the greatest scientific genius the world has ever known. Unfortunately, he has such a silly name that nobody takes him seriously." For some reason, there's something about the word "poopypants" that makes young children go berserk with laughter whenever they hear it. I tried it on my 3-year old niece last week, and it worked every time. Anyway, The Professor has been laughed out of every major university in the world, and if just one more person makes fun of his name it might just drive him OFF THE DEEP END! Of course, this looks like a job for Captain Underpants! (If you want to find out what happens, you'll just have to read the book.) Little-Known Fact: Professor Poopypants is loosely modeled after Albert Einstein, who was the inspiration for the character; Einstein’s middle name was “Pippy”.

The not-so-subtle "message" of the book is that it's not nice to poke fun at other people who have unusual names (kids can be ruthless at this sometimes); if everyone had a silly name, there'd be no one to tease. So, the Professor uses a formula which forces everyone to assume silly new names based on their given names:

Before Dav even wrote the book, he sat down and compiled the most silly, disgusting, embarrassing, and idiotic names he could think of. He created the Name-Change-O-Chart, designed so that everybody in the whole world would have a ridiculous name when they entered their given names into the equation. Once he was satisfied, he began to write the story.

Always on the lookout so that readers of this blog don't miss out on any of the cheap thrills that life has to offer, I've spared no effort to insure that you too -- yes, I'm talkin' to you, Doombah Farkletush and Snickle Gizzardbutt -- can join in the fun! Okay, I just copied and pasted it from an e-mail I received, but I was thinking of you when I did it! Here's how it works:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Fluffy Chucklefanny. (Kinda has a nice ring to it, don't you think?) Tom Cruise becomes Sleezy Gizzardsprinkles, Katie Holmes' name is Tootsie Pottytush; you get the idea. What's yours?

Recess over. We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog program.