Self-portrait

This picture, taken over the holidays, captures the sense of relaxation and peacefulness that Mrs. Toast and I were feeling at the moment it was taken. Except for my nasal cannula, I like this shot a lot. I try not to be self-conscious about my oxygen, but I can't help it. I know the fact that I need an oxygen hose to breathe properly shouldn't make me any more uncomfortable than the fact that I need glasses to see clearly, but I still feel funny about it. I almost Photoshopped the cannula out of the photo, but thought that would be somehow dishonest. A lot of times when I'm out in public, I notice people giving me the "ewww, what's wrong with him?" look, but I mostly ignore it. The only time it really got to me was once about a year ago, when I was staying at a motel in Tyler. After checking in, I came back out to the car to get the rest of my luggage, and as I was returning to my room through the side entrance there were two teenage-looking punks standing by the door smoking cigarettes. They looked at me, looked at each other, and burst out laughing. I tried to let it pass and just walk on by, but it really pissed me off. I stopped, turned around and glared at them. "Hey, you think this is funny? You wanna know what it's like for me?" I snapped. "Why don't you try holding your breath for 10 minutes while you run around the block, and when you're gasping for air, see how fucking funny you think that is." I immediately regretted losing my cool; I'm not into self-pity, and they were just stupid kids who didn't know any better. But I guess I was more sensitive about it than I realized. Fortunately, I haven't run into any similar boneheads since then.

We are what we are, and the key to happiness in this life, it's been said, is in not wanting the things we don't have, but in making the best of the blessings we've been given. If you look at the expression on my face in the picture above, I think you'll see I feel pretty blessed.