"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

All About Librarians

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians
at the temples of understanding, and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy. Plus, they are often aware of very cheap places to dine alone with books. Let us not mince words: as Stephen Colbert so profoundly stated, "librarians are hiding something".™ A group of librarians is also known as a shoosh.

Super Powers

Most librarians' super powers are relegated to mind reading, reference and collection development. Some librarians have heightened awareness for cataloging and categorization. Most enjoy fining patrons for late and or damaged materials.

Years spent in the quiet environment of the library have also heightened their awareness of movement within the library. This, coupled with the powers of mind-reading, gives them much knowledge as to the whereabouts and activities of patrons. Both of these combined with the heightened awareness for cataloguing and categorization provide fair warning when a patron is about to re-shelve a book on their own, which is the bane of library organization, and the librarian can inform the patron to "Please leave all unwanted materials on top of the shelves, on tables, or on provided stands. Direct spontaneous combustion may occur otherwise."

They often know the answer to a reference question prior to being asked. This super-power is heightened when it being asked by a college student with a hangover. The answer is always "Our collection of government documents related to drunk driving laws are located over here."

Additionally, librarians can identify the enemies of the library system by smell: thieves, small children, politicians, tax payers, homeless people, teenagers, porn addicts, and the elusive library masturbator. These enemies are vanquished typically with the famous "Shhh" or the newer phrase "I'm calling the police."


All real librarians have cats, however some deviant librarians also have dogs. Librarians who lack cats and or corrective lenses should not be trusted as they are abnormal to the species and should be destroyed.


Librarians can often be seen reading for recreation. Some enjoy sniffing book spines to ascertain the age of books in a competition known as "Guess how old this is." Master librarians can even smell a book's ISBN. (This skill prevents librarians from enjoying the delicate art of kitten snarfling.) They also frequently knit, play scrabble, and do crossword puzzles when they're not out rampaging with their motorcycle gangs and getting awesome tattoos.


All librarian attire is loose, layered and comfortable. Librarian clothes may be slept in for several days prior to wearing outside of the home. Cat fur is always present on pant cuffs and typically on sleeves as well. Elbow patches, bow ties and pipes are optional for men as well as women, though it should be noted that pipes are never smoked in the presence of books as the tobacco may damage them. It is also not unusual to find the color worn away from one knee of a librarian's pants, created by frequent kneeling to shelve items on the lower shelves.

Knitting paraphernalia is often used as an accessory, in addition to:
  • Pens
  • Keys
  • The Jolly Roger
  • Paperclips
  • Barcodes
  • Ponies
  • Date Stamps and Pads
  • Rules of Conduct
  • Tote bags
The Book Love

In a recent scientific study librarians were reported to love books. Book love is described in the DSM-IV under Delirium, Dementia, and Amnestic and Other Cognitive Disorders as:
  1. The presence of book love as manifested by motoric immobility, excessive motor activity (that is apparently purposeless and not influenced by external stimuli), extreme negativism or mutism, peculiarities of voluntary movement, or echolalia or echopraxia.
  2. There is evidence from the history, physical examination, or laboratory findings that the disturbance is the direct physiological consequence of reading.
  3. The disturbance is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., a Manic Episode).
  4. The disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of a Delirium.
Average people only like books, and should not be trusted with books for more than 21 days in a row without incurring a daily fine of no less than ten cents per day for each day after 21 days, however this fine should not to exceed the replacement cost of the item.

How to Vanquish a Librarian

TIP! Vanquishing Librarians is most effective in non-book environments.

Repeat the following incantation three times "Your field is obsolete and you will be replaced with improved content and slicker GUI interfacia from Google." This should be sufficient to destroy the non-technical librarian.

A geekier librarian may be resistant to this incantation and should simply be bludgeoned with the first volume of the OED or a similarly large reference book.


A widely publicized gesture in which a female librarian unfastens her hair and shakes it loose is an ancient code used among male and female librarians to signal each other. Though the action was long believed to be a mating zritual it was later discovered to be a call to an unrelated ritual in which the male implants seeds of doubt, which the female then destroys by conducting further research.

Source: The Uncylopedia


  • At 9/11/2007 11:04:00 PM, Blogger April said…

    a shoosh... a SHOOSH!? Ahahahahahahaaaaaaa... omg, I found that hilarious! a shoosh.... too funny

  • At 9/12/2007 01:34:00 PM, Blogger Chandira said…

    Haha!!! I was a librarian for 5 years, and after that, a Barnes & Noble Bookseller.. I can't help it. I confess!! Books are it. I can smell an old book and tell the year.

    I have a cat, too, and the hairy pants- and sleeves..

  • At 9/12/2007 05:23:00 PM, Blogger The Misanthrope said…

    This is a great post.

    However, it's hard to write with that man's crotch continually flashing, so to speak.

  • At 9/14/2007 06:40:00 PM, Blogger Sphincter said…

    I got to go to the Library of Congress with a shoosh of Librarians on Thursday. We all came unglued when we saw a copy of the Gutenberg Bible on display. (Only one of 3 remaining ones intact in the world.) It was like librarian Mecca.


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