"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Toasted Gift Guide, Part Deux

We're back!

After hours of meticulous research which proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I have way too much time on my hands, Wind In The Wire once again comes to your rescue with another round of gift suggestions which are sure to cause surprise and delight on Christmas morning, not to mention shock, disbelief, and possible bodily injury. Happy holidays!

Let's save the truly gross and disgusting items for later, and start off with a cultural icon that seems to have come out of nowhere this year. In the unlikely event that there is a single person left on the planet who has not seen the beloved heart-warming 1983 family classic film "A Christmas Story", the plot features a young boy named Ralphie who is obsessed with getting the Christmas present of his dreams: a Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle (OK, I've updated the story a bit for the modern times we live in). Meanwhile, Dad becomes positively orgasmic over this Leg Lamp, replicas of which have now suddenly appeared in many catalog and novelty stores. Seriously, I don't ever remember seeing this item available before this season, and now there will be thousands, perhaps millions, of these things being as given as gifts this year, to spend one solitary day of incandescent glory in living rooms all across America before the Head of the Household (aka "Mom") banishes them to the attic or garage. Somehow, I expect to see lots of these on eBay after the holidays.

Speaking of fake body parts, do you know someone who will be lonely this season? Perhaps they've just broken up with their significant other and are in need of some comfort. Well have we got just the thing for them ... a bottle of Xanax! No seriously, how about The Boyfriend Pillow (which features an arm which wraps reassuringly around you) for the ladies, and The Girlfriend Pillow for the guys, complete with red miniskirt and a plush lap they can rest their head in, or do other perverted stuff, you know, with. (Feel free to switch genders if your forlorn friend happens to swing that way.)

As "A Christmas Story" proves, nothing celebrates the blessed birth of Jesus quite like the gift of firearms. But if you're worried that someone will put an eye out with a Red Ryder BB gun, how about The Marshmallow Shooter? This plastic, pump-action device "sends fluffy marshmallows flying over 30 feet!" Imagine the fun as you set up cups of hot chocolate and try to dunk marshmallows in them from across the room (tip: a rebound shot off the wall works best). Alas, if only we could get all those fighting in the middle east to use these instead. Marshmallows not included.

Another update to a classic gift item, not to mention a personal favorite of mine, is The Sarcastic Ball, a different take on the old "Magic 8-Ball". Instead of the boring, stock 8-Ball answers to your questions, the Sarcastic Ball will repeatedly amuse and abuse you with replies like "As If", "Ask Me If I Care", "Get A Clue", "Whatever", Who Cares?", and "Yeah And I'm The Pope", among others. You love it, you know you do. This is sure to keep your friends and co-workers in stitches, providing it doesn't get you fired.

A favorite gift sure to cause merriment around the tree is the Fart Machine, and you can find more variations on this high concept than you ever knew existed here. If you have any doubts as to just how much wacky fun flatulence can be on Christmas morning, read this tale of hilarity from a fellow blogger friend about her adventures with such a machine (a top of the line model, with remote control!) that her mom gave her uncle and cousin two years ago. This is the true spirit of Christmas, folks.

While we're on the subject, have you ever wanted to have your very own, custom-printed toilet paper? Of course! What red-blooded American wouldn't? Send in any photo and it will be reproduced on every sheet, for only $12 a roll. Think of the possibilities ... or maybe it would be better not to think about it, actually. Still, as novelty items go #2 is still #1. I especially like the "Paris Hilton" motif pictured (right). Speaking of the dear girl, another friend and fellow blogger Curly McDimple reports that she was shopping around New York's East Village a few weeks ago at a shop that featured incense. Among the typical Patchouli, Passionflower and Sandalwood scents was this curious fragrance, which she naturally had to take a picture of:

Which begs the question: what does Paris Hilton incense smell like? I guess if you've ever wanted to infuse your home with the odor of ignorant, low class, stage-puking skank-ho, then by all means fire up a stick of this stuff. Personally, I'd prefer the fart machine.

Oops, kinda got off track there! Sorry. Back to the gift suggestions; these last two items are actually very cool. Did you know that you can legally purchase an acre of land on the moon? According to the Lunar Land site, "Give the top rated gift that is loved by over 250 very well known celebrities, more than 30 past and present members of NASA, 2 former US Presidents and over 2 million average everyday people from around the world. What could be more unique than giving someone an acre on the Moon? For the average person, an acre on the Moon is an excellent gift and great conversation piece." Acreage starts at just $29.95 ... although you may have a little trouble getting there to inspect your property and build that weekend getaway cabin.

Finally, I know a lot of bloggers out there are by definition writers, or at least would like to be. Everyone has The Great American Novel in them somewhere, it's said, but few of us get to publish that book we long to author. So if you've dreamed of having your name on the printed page but haven't been able to draw it out of you yet, here's the next best thing: enjoy the adventure of starring in your own personalized romance novel! All you do is supply the basics -- your first and last name, hair and eye color, name of your co-starring hero or heroine, and a few other details of personal information, and this site will crank out a 160 to 180 page novel, complete with a bodice-ripping picture of you on the cover. The "Romance By You" site offers the following plot variations: Medieval Passion, Tropical Treasure, Love's Next Door, Pirates of Desire, Vampire Kisses, Western Rendezvous, and ER Fever are "love stories full of romance, passion and humor." You can even get a preview of the steamy potboiler. For example, here's a sample I generated using my name and that of a Well-Known Public Figure:
   The two nurses prepared for the cardiac patient's arrival and heard the ambulance pull up outside County General's emergency room entrance. As Margaret and Queen Elizabeth walked in the direction of the sliding glass doors, they saw a man in a white lab coat striding toward them.
   “Hi, I’m Dr. Toast,” he said, extending a hand to Margaret. She accepted it and was instantly captivated by his warm touch. His salt and pepper hair looked professionally messy, as if he had just rolled out of bed and into Margaret's ER. She could not help but notice that his body was perfectly proportioned and undeniably sexy.
   “Margaret... Margaret...” she stammered, searching her memory for her surname. She was still shaking Dr. Toast's hand when Queen Elizabeth coughed loudly behind her, breaking her friend's reverie. “Margaret Thatcher,” she finally blurted out. “I’m the charge nurse tonight. Nice to meet you, Dr. Toast.”
   Her friend grinned at Margaret's unusually flustered demeanor. “And I’m Queen Elizabeth, and here’s your first customer, Dr. Toast,” she said hurriedly, as a stretcher wheeled past guided by two paramedics.
   "We're ready in trauma room nine, guys," Margaret shouted over the noise of the ER...
   Later that day, they met and stood facing each other in the hallway, her blue eyes meeting his hazel-eyed gaze. Margaret opened her mouth to speak but before she could, Dr. Toast wrapped his right arm around her waist and pulled her to the left, pushing open a door that led to the janitor’s storage area. They were surrounded by brooms, cleaning supplies and garbage bags were stacked from floor to ceiling. The area was tiny and Dr. Toast held her close.
   “Well, if this isn’t the ultimate cliché. A quickie in the broom closet!”
   “No quickie, Doctor,” Margaret stated firmly.
   “Ah. I see you want it slow and long then,” said Dr. Toast. He put both arms around her waist and pulled her into him. She pushed against his chest trying to break the embrace, but he had already begun kissing the base of her neck, and she was weakened by his touch. He covered her face with soft kisses as he slowly rotated her body so that he stood behind her. His arms were wrapped around her, his hands joined together just below her navel.
   “Dr. Toast, we can’t do this.” it came out as a whisper.
   “Yes we can. It’s more fun if it’s dangerous.”
Whoo! I don't know about you, but ah do believe ah'm gettin' the vapors! That Maggie Thatcher is one hot hoochie-mama! Check out the site to star in your very own novel; they also have children's books (with much tamer plot lines) to make your child a hero as well.

Well, that wraps up the Toasted Gift Guide for this year, I hope you've enjoyed it. Remember, it is better to give than to receive, especially with some of these bizarre items. Have a great holiday!


  • At 11/28/2006 12:46:00 PM, Blogger April said…

    Mr. Toast, thank you for researching for me and finding the perfect gifts! I especially love the special order toilet paper, although I can't imagine what image I'd like to wipe my ass with, I'm sure Kevin could think of something. The leg lamp is hilarious! Kevin hadn't seen "A Christmas Story" so I made him watch is last year for the first time!

  • At 11/28/2006 04:46:00 PM, Blogger Bake Town said…

    Great minds think alike. I almost bought that leg lamp last year, and I was thinking about it again this year!

  • At 11/28/2006 08:11:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have to tell you, I have a whole friggin blog waiting to be written about the nutty things in the October SkyMall magazine (ya know, the shopping mag they put on planes where apparently only people with completely disposable incomes fly). Included in my entry? The Marshmallow Shooter. YOU BEAT ME TO IT!

    Like Bake Town said, "great minds think alike"!

  • At 11/29/2006 03:17:00 AM, Blogger sumo said…

    Interesting things to say the least...I shall give them a think over first. The lamp is a fine specimen though...I am having a hard time forgeting it.


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