"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Monday, November 27, 2006

Toasted Gift Guide, Part 1

I picked out a Christmas present for Mrs. Toast online today which shall remain nameless, as she reads this blog and I don't want to tip my hand. But since I have now been an active participant in both Black Friday and Cyber Monday, I feel not only qualified but, dare I say, compelled to offer -- as a public service -- a few heartfelt gift suggestions for anyone who may be having trouble figuring out exactly what to get that special someone this year. No need to thank me, just remember that this advice is worth every penny you paid for it.

Anyone living in South Florida knows of the recent problems there involving giant Burmese Pythons formerly kept as pets being released into the wild by their owners after the snakes grow too big for them to handle. These critters thrive in the sub-tropical climate, and a number of incidents have been reported involving giant reptiles dining on local yard chickens or house cats. So if you want to give someone the thrill of finding a 12-foot long killer 'Boid in their commode during the holidays, consider this fun item. They're sure to thank you.

Actually, the McPhee site is a gold mine of great ideas. Where else could you find, in addition to your run-of-the-mill rubber chickens, such classic gifts as the "I ♥ Meat" lapel button, Jesus Air Fresheners, as well as a complete selection of Parasite Pals®? The informationologists on your gift list will certainly appreciate the Librarian Action Figure, complete with glasses, bun hair-do, and "amazing shushing action". Yes, for that hard-to-please person, this place has got you covered.

While the holidays are a great joy for most of us, some folks are affected by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and can get very depressed, perhaps even suicidal, at this time of year. So if someone you know has this problem, consider showing your support by getting them this:

They're sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness. As an alternative, Java lovers and readers of this blog who may not be lethally despondent but only "mildly antisocial" might like this mug instead.

The Daily Calendar, along with the sausage log, has long been a staple of holiday giving; I have gotten Mrs. Toast her "365 Cats" calendar virtually every year since we've been married, and she now pretty much expects it. So this season, just for a change of pace, I'm considering this calendar instead. Hey, do I know how to charm a girl, or what?

For those addicted to burgers and fries, nothing says love like tomato-flavored condiments. And this year Heinz is again offering to print customized labels on an Actual Bottle of Ketchup at its Create-A-Label site. Unfortunately, some suit in the company's legal department has evidently decreed that certain taboo words are not acceptable, so such innocuous phrases as "Don't Touch! Bob's Ketchup", for example, are fine and dandy but even mildly suggestive expressions like "Blood of Dracula" (not to mention the more profanely obvious ones) bring up a stern admonishment that "the message you have entered contains language that violated Heinz's terms and conditions. Please re-enter your message." Personally, for six bucks a bottle, I think you should be able to get any damn thing you want printed on the label. It's a moot point anyway; you need to have ordered by November 3rd for Christmas delivery, but Valentine's Day is right around the corner!

Well, that should get you started down the road to crass commercialism the joy of holiday giving. More Toasted Gift Suggestions tomorrow, not just because I care, but also because it's a shameless way to knock off another NaBloPoMo post. Only three days to go!


  • At 11/27/2006 05:26:00 PM, Blogger bossann said…

    I have to get the "2007 Already Sucks" button from the calendar store...just in case! Where do you find these wonderful sites? BG!

    Meticulous research!! (plus the fact that I have no life.)

  • At 11/27/2006 08:27:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Awesome, awesome, awesome!

    This is my kind of blog!

    Thanks, Dirk. You da man!

  • At 11/27/2006 09:52:00 PM, Blogger Sphincter said…

    I think you should be able to put whatever you want on the ketchup, too.

    Censorship! Censorship!

    Well that only makes sense, since the reverse is true ... you can put the ketchup on whatever you want. (groan!)

  • At 11/27/2006 10:42:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i am so proud of you for writing such great posts for every day of november so far! will you do this for december as well?

    i swear that dirk is following me! he is everywhere on the internet!

    I think the chances that I will be posting every day in December are about ... slim to none! NaBloPoMo has worn me out. Oh, I'm sure there will be some entries, but I plan to spend most of the month sleeping (and maybe opening a present or two).

  • At 11/27/2006 11:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have actually BEEN to the McPhee store in Seattle. It is the best. place. ever. We spent around $300 and I have no idea what we even brought home. But obviously it was all necessities!

    Well, obviously!


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