"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy Hangover Day

Oh, my head. Somebody tell the cat to quit stomping around.

You know you had way too good a time the night before when you wake up the next morning and realize ... you're in jail. While our partly last night was fun, it didn't get that wild, and fortunately(?), I only have a "three-star" hangover today. How does yours rate?

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, your are craving a Philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume remind you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Death sounds pretty good about right now...


So it could be a lot worse. I haven't tried any of the so-called "hangover cures" because, acccording to this article, none of them are very effective. But the WebMD site does offer this helpful tip...

There is, however, an absolutely certain way to prevent hangovers.
"Practice abstinence or moderation," the researchers advise.

Great. Now they tell me.

Happy New Year!!


  • At 1/01/2006 05:01:00 PM, Blogger Mr. Toast said…

    I only have a two star hangover, thank God! I feel slightly crappy, but nothing like my usual hangovers. Funny thing is, I didn't drink in moderation, i got pretty drunk. But I did stay up until about 7:30 this morning so by that time I think I was almost sober. Yeah for me!!
    Anyway, Happy New Year to you and yours!!!

  • At 1/01/2006 07:29:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sounds like you had a very, very happy New Year's celebration, Mr. Toast. Well, you deserve it! Best of everything to you in 2006!

  • At 1/02/2006 11:31:00 PM, Blogger April said…

    I had a ONE star hangover, it wasn't bad at all, I slept a little later, and drank lots of water the rest of the day was great. I love that rating system!

  • At 1/03/2006 12:44:00 AM, Blogger Mr. Toast said…

    Thanks, you guys! Sounds like you had fun too.


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