Politics for the moderately confused

The political landscape these days can be very confusing. Conflicting values and party planks are sometimes hard to figure out, and if you're a middle-of-the-road swing voter, you may not be sure if your stand on the various issues makes you liberal, conservative, Republican, or Democrat. So with mid-term elections coming up, and jockeying for position in the 2008 presidential race already underway, the management of Wind In The Wire (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy) presents this helpful guide entitled: "You Might Be A Republican".

If Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton, well then...you might be a Republican.

If you think Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion, then you might be a Republican.

If you agree that a president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy... then you might be a Republican.

If you think any of the following statements are true:

• Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but that Creationism and Intelligent Design should be taught in schools.

• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

• A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

• HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

• The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

...then, you very well might be a Republican.

Remember: friends don't let friends vote Republican.