"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Dear New England Patriots:

I wasn't going to write this letter to you, I swear. I'm not usually the sort of person to put their heart on their sleeve like this, but ....

How could you?

How could you have let me down this way, after we've been together for so long? I mean, not only have we been with each other for years, we practically grew up together! I was there for you when you needed me; remember those nights we spent in Fenway Park, way back in the good old days, before you moved to Foxborough? They were so very special for me, but I know now they must not have been for you. Even when things got tough, I made excuses for you to all my friends. "You know how guys are," I told them after that recent nasty videotaping incident. "They must have just been shooting the Jet's cheerleaders or something, and got the coach's signals by accident." How could I have been such a fool to let you use me like that? My God, I was so blind.

But today was the worst ever; you knew it was supposed to be our big day together. I had such great expectations, and was in such a good mood earlier this afternoon. Everything was ready at home, the food, the drinks, and my friends and I were all prepared to celebrate with you ... but then ... it was almost like you hardly bothered to show up. When you did, you seemed like, all defensive and stuff, and just didn't show me that magic "spark" that I'd seen so often before. Oh sure, you finally made an effort, but by then it was just way too little, too late.

I have to tell you how disappointed I am. You've hurt me so badly, and I've decided I just can't go on like this any more. So I'm sorry, but it's over between us. I may not have anyone else in my life right now, but I've got lots of time, and maybe by next season I'll find someone who knows how to treat me right and won't crush my dreams into the ground like a used cigarette butt, the way you did today.

I wish you luck, seriously. Even though we're through, I'll always remember the good times we had. In the meantime, I think you should know:

I'm fucking Matt Damon.


  • At 2/04/2008 08:54:00 PM, Blogger Sphincter said…

    Well, I can tell you--you are not the first and will not be the last to be used in this manner. I've NEVER liked them; I always knew it would end badly. Even so, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Eat ice cream straight from the container until you feel better.


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