"Madame, bear in mind That princes govern all things--save the wind." -Victor Hugo, The Infanta's Rose

Friday, February 09, 2007

On billionaire babies and outer-space cheaters


I have a stunning revelation to announce to the world: I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter.

I had been keeping this secret in deference to Mrs. Toast, but now that so many pretenders are stepping forward to claim paternity (we're up to at least four now), I can no longer be silent with the truth. The blonde bombshell and I had a torrid affair when we both lived in Houston back in the 80's, and it is now glaringly apparent that she must have kept my, er, "essence" safely frozen in the back of her Frigidaire (next to the Bird's Eye Green Peas) and used it to impregnate herself. I can now claim my rightful share of the millions of dollars little DannieLynn stands to inherit.

Oh sure, you say, that sounds pretty bogus ... but no more so than the surprise announcement by Anna Nicole's half-sister, Donna Hogan, who claimed that the child's father is none other than her sister's former billionaire husband J. Howard Marshall, who's been dead for ten years now. She alleges that her deceased sis froze the sperm of her 90-year-old hubby before he died, and used it to become pregnant as a "trump card" in winning the ongoing legal battle for the billionaire's estate.

I may joke about being a baby-daddy, but all kidding aside, what bothers me most is that of all the players in this soap opera, the child is the one person most likely to be negatively affected in the long run. With so much at stake financially, she will be used as a pawn all her life and has virtually no chance of growing up to be "normal". She will be forever haunted by her mother's shadow.

This tragic story is no doubt destined to become a TV "movie of the week" soon; the public fascination fueling the media circus is enormous, and parallels to Anna's idol Marilyn Monroe (who lived a similar short, sad life, but possessed considerably more talent than ANS) are inevitable. Ground zero for the latest bizarre twists and turns would have to be TMZ.com, where if you're interested you can read about her final booze-fueled hours, or learn that her body has been moved to "a VIP area" of the hospital indefinitely pending further investigation into the cause of her death. However, there is no truth to the rumor that the body of James Brown (who is also yet to be interred) is with her there as well.

The implications for social commentary are enormous as well. While much of America laughed at Anna Nicole's antics over the years -- the billionaire sugar daddy, the weight gain and loss, the slurred public appearances, the physical attributes coupled with dubious mental prowess -- her death now makes such satire difficult. If it was an acceptable joke to mock her as a bimbo while she was alive, is doing so now improperly disrespectful to the deceased? Does this very blog post cross the line of decency?

A good question ... as is why her life and death have so fascinated the public while the lives and deaths of so many others (people who have made truly significant, lasting accomplishments) go unnoticed at the same time. We do love our myths -- and our heroes, which probably explains the other item that has dominated the press this week. Over the years, how many people involved in love affairs gone wrong have driven cross-country to confront their romantic rivals with less-than-noble intent? Hundreds, perhaps thousands; it's an unfortunate yet common human foible. But throw the word "astronaut" into the mix and suddenly it's a news story, like those who train to work in space are somehow superhuman and not subject to the emotional weaknesses that plague normal earthbound folk.

Nope. We all live on this strange little planet.


  • At 2/12/2007 03:31:00 PM, Blogger Marie said…

    ha ha ha! Mr. Toast, that's what i've been telling my friends here. w/ Ms. Smith's paternity brouhaha, that what if neither of those 2 men will match the kid's DNA! i was right all along! so you're the one! you're the "baby daddy"! where've you been all this time? why were you so quiet? :) you didn't want to steal the limelight away from her? now you stand to get 10% of the $450M at stake. cool! :)

    seriously, i'm appalled myself why most people are giving so much attention to her so-called life, then & now, her death! what has she really done that is noteworthy other than being a playboy centerfold & marrying that old millionaire, yeah right! there are a lot more men dying in battlefields, dying for a much worthy cause defending their country, but have we ever heard of them being talked about? hell no! so maybe in Ms. Smith's case - the end justifies the means, but what did it justify really? hmmmmmmm, go figure!

    ciao! have a great week ahead!


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